Written 4/21/18: The past several days I have felt really sad and depressed. Other than life’s basic bullshit, I can’t even pinpoint the reason. I feel like a failure, have lost my temper easily, and after stopping myself many nights in a row, I gave into my anxiety and started over eating last night.
When I binge eat, I eat to the point that I feel physically sick and I either pass out or vomit. That’s the kind of binge eating that kept me over 300 pounds my whole life.
This morning I woke up feeling sick, absolutely disgusted with myself, and in a much deeper and darker depression. I weighed myself to check the damage and I gained 6.2 pounds. Honestly I’m not even surprised because I consumed so much food. I ate all the junk and garbage that makes me happy for all of five minutes, before it gets to work on draining my energy, putting my system out of whack, and making me feel sluggish and nauseous.
I'm supposed to be someone that helps others overcome binge eating, but the truth is I have a long way to go myself.
Even after losing so much weight and doing my best to inspire others, I still face the horrible urges to binge, and sometimes, unfortunately, I do give in. I am human, my journey is honest and real, and not every day is perfect.
The only way to move on is to forgive myself. There’s no way to change the past. I can at least accept the fact that these binges are rare now, where as before they were more common then not. I have made progress that can not be undone by even the most epic of binge eating, like last night.
If you are someone who is depressed and feeling like a failure, I beg you to remember that it happens to the best of us. If you are blessed enough to wake up the next day, you’ve been given a fresh start. Don’t give up on the journey after a bad day- just always move forward.